I'm a college student in the good old midwest.

Email me.

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I like to procrastinate. I do so by reading these blogs:

Accidental
Anyone's Any
Blue Goo Ate My Mom
bluishorange
Gaper's Block
In Passing
Incoherent Babblings of Me
Loobylu
Love Many Things
Maybe Tomorrow
Mighty Girl
Pamie
pesky'apostrophe
Poundy
Re-run
Shutterbug
SMooSH
Spastic Yak
Swirlee
Velcrometer
Weblog Wannabe
Wockerjabby
and her livejournal

« #Veg.Blogs?»

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General Archives
Blogathon 2002 Archives
Blogathon 2003 Archives

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Thank you:
Blogger for the blogging power
Haloscan for the comments power.

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Thursday, September 11, 2003

I am sitting on my bed in my dorm room writing this. For some reason, there is a wireless signal in my third floor room, although the only wireless internet in the dorm is in the lounge three floors below where I am now. But it's fun. And ruins any possibility that I had at being productive. Oh well.

Posted by Serene Chaos at 3:05:00 PM °°°

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Apparently, my new name is P-bod.

Because I eat peas at every meal (except breakfast because I don't go to breakfast).

And I know lots of fun body conditioning exercises.

Last night at about 1:00am my roommates and I decided we all needed nick names. Everyone else's is related to their real names. Mine is the only creative one.

Posted by Serene Chaos at 11:07:00 AM °°°

Sunday, September 07, 2003

AGH

I froze!

All the socializing I've been doing, it caught up to me. And today my body was just saying "[R], sit in a room alone all day. Just, be by yourself." And of course I couldn't do that because I'm under all this pressure to make friends and be social and talk to people and be with people. And then I went to this "Harris Party" which is pretty much just like high school dances, but the dancing is even dirtier. And I went, and some guy asked me to dance - someone who I had talked to the other day, he was funny and seemed nice (although I don't remember his name). He lives on a part of my dorm that is kind of separate from the rest of the dorm. And so he asked me to dance, and I said okay, but then when I got out there I just froze. Everyone was
grinding and I didn't want to do that, and I didn't know if he wanted me to do that. And I didn't know if he was drunk (because a lot of people were) and I just froze.

"I'm sorry. I don't really dance..." I said. He took my hands in a very non-threatening way and tried to get me to dance. "I'm really sorry..." I just kind of gave up. After a minute he took me to the side and walked off.

Why am I so afraid of everything? I'm afraid of meeting people. I am, oddly, afraid of guys. Any time I think I like one, I grow more distant in an effort to make sure that nothing will happen. I'm 18 years old, I'm allowed to have a boyfriend already. But I freeze and I ruin everything before anything has even started. It's like I'm 12 years old. I just get so nervous, and my heart starts beating and I just get scared.

And everyone else is out partying and drinking and having fun. And I really want to be able to do that. I want to be able to dance and party all night. But I can't. Except, I know that I can, I don't know how to explain it. I want to so badly and it frustrates me. But I just stop myself. I will not allow myself to have fun at parties and dances.

And I am usually such a happy person. I always smile and laugh and act like nothing bothers me, because usually nothing does. But stuff like this - when I just freeze and stop myself from interacting like a normal human being - stuff like this makes me unhappy.

Posted by Serene Chaos at 12:33:00 AM °°°