AGH

I froze!

All the socializing I've been doing, it caught up to me. And today my body was just saying "[R], sit in a room alone all day. Just, be by yourself." And of course I couldn't do that because I'm under all this pressure to make friends and be social and talk to people and be with people. And then I went to this "Harris Party" which is pretty much just like high school dances, but the dancing is even dirtier. And I went, and some guy asked me to dance - someone who I had talked to the other day, he was funny and seemed nice (although I don't remember his name). He lives on a part of my dorm that is kind of separate from the rest of the dorm. And so he asked me to dance, and I said okay, but then when I got out there I just froze. Everyone was
grinding and I didn't want to do that, and I didn't know if he wanted me to do that. And I didn't know if he was drunk (because a lot of people were) and I just froze.

"I'm sorry. I don't really dance..." I said. He took my hands in a very non-threatening way and tried to get me to dance. "I'm really sorry..." I just kind of gave up. After a minute he took me to the side and walked off.

Why am I so afraid of everything? I'm afraid of meeting people. I am, oddly, afraid of guys. Any time I think I like one, I grow more distant in an effort to make sure that nothing will happen. I'm 18 years old, I'm allowed to have a boyfriend already. But I freeze and I ruin everything before anything has even started. It's like I'm 12 years old. I just get so nervous, and my heart starts beating and I just get scared.

And everyone else is out partying and drinking and having fun. And I really want to be able to do that. I want to be able to dance and party all night. But I can't. Except, I know that I can, I don't know how to explain it. I want to so badly and it frustrates me. But I just stop myself. I will not allow myself to have fun at parties and dances.

And I am usually such a happy person. I always smile and laugh and act like nothing bothers me, because usually nothing does. But stuff like this - when I just freeze and stop myself from interacting like a normal human being - stuff like this makes me unhappy.